On Using Dark Magic
by ex-LongLongHair
Summary: Okay. This is sort of going a bit off the subject of Harry Potter, but it definitely is the thing you'd want to read if you wanted to train as a Deatheater. Flame comp winners announced. Have fun!


A/N: This is not meant to be a real guide. This is just fanfic. Do not try this at home, kids.

I'm sorry, but the whole flame thing is too big to announce up here. So read this, then go down to the bottom to find out who won. (rule number 1 in writing fanfic: always mention other people at the bottom so they read your stuff first)

On using Dark Magic

By D. Darcsite

A fifteen point plan to kick-start your practice of Dark Magic

Everyone knows what Dark Magic is (or at least, most people nowadays), but not everyone knows how to use it effectively. In fact, very few people know how to use it at all. So here's a few pointers to help you along the way.

  1. Always wear the blackest of your black robes-or at least, some nice silver and green ones. Remember to order your cloaks made of a heavy weight material, with a hood, and acquire a mask to go with it.
  2. Repeat any multiple of ten times: I support Lord Voldemort
  3. Make sure your wand is nice and shiny, and in tip-top condition. Who knows what kind of spells you'll have to cast with it? (A sharp, pointy tip is also useful when magic fails to do the trick)
  4. Go to a nice, dark, dank, cold, slimy dungeon to practice. (Hence the cloak)
  5. Get a life-sized model of Voldemort with robes and practice kissing the hem of the robes. A short course in kow towing is also recommended.
  6. Go to you nearest Dark Arts retailer and obtain a Dark Mark (as genuine as possible)
  7. Borrow all the books you can on dark magic from the local library and never return them (ignore the overdue notices and NEVER give them your credit card number and the expiry date)
  8. Join your local Deatheater club and attend all meetings.
  9. Purchase the whole range of Dark Arts merchandise-it may come in handy one day proving your loyalty.
  10. Purchase the Evil Stuff for Dummies or the Idiot's guide to Evil Doings and study it carefully.
  11. Start building up a collection of sharp, pointy implements.
  12. Get a secret dungeon built under your house.
  13. Get some of your teeth plated with gold or some other shiny material for that "bad guy" look.
  14. Research your ancestry, to find out if you were related in any way, shape or form to Salazar Slytherin. (Hey, it could just be that your great-great-great-great-great-grandfather's second cousin twice removed married the great x20 granddaughter of Slytherin's wife's brother's cousin.)
  15. Make sure that when you marry, you marry a pureblood and name all your children (you'll only have one son, however) after magical beasts. It doesn't matter if they end up with a name like Chimera, as then everyone will remember who they are.

A/N: Okay, so the steps aren't quite in order but it's good enough for me. And now, for the moment you've all been waiting for: The winner of my previous flame comp!

::Rips open little gold envelope::

And the winner is…Everyone who flamed? Right…(no, truly. It's all really funny. Really, really funny.) So everyone who flamed properly gets their name 'n' flame here…

[**The Hairy One**][1]

This was the worst fic i have ever read! especially the stuff at the bottom. this is just horrid. It almost seems that you are Barney. 'Lets not have harry potter kill voldemort, lets just become friends, will the word pneumonoultramicroscopicilicovolanoconiosis, work instead of dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane???(oh well i used the word)Why would someone WANT to be turned into a pink with polka-dotter floppy disk? how retarded can you get?? WHy would someone want to put some'Censored words into the flame? oh well *get fire extinguisher*

kate

could be concidered a quite humourous acount of 10 reasons why our favorite hero should not kill the person we love to hate. i, however thought it was the most boring flat uninspired piece of work since Sh*tney Spears, Oops i did it again. Sniffing dichlorodiphyltrichloroethane was more fun than wasting approximatly 3 minutes and 17 seconds of my life reading this piece of ****. if you even consider putting your purple polka-dotted mr insanity floppy disk back in that harddive and writing another ******* example of ******* fan fiction i will personly rip you intestines out and use them for stockings. if this does not stop you i will count to 1-2-3 (for sufficient warning) and throw a grenade at you

Goblet of Fire ( I did sign in this thing just has got a problem )

Really ( censored ) Why ( censored ) did you write that ( censored ) It's even worse than dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane ( whatever that is ). And why would someone anyway want to be turned into a pink with purple polka-dotted floppy disk ?! Not that we authors usually ask our character's advice, right ? Poor Voldie and poor Harry. I really pity them for having been written about by such a ( censored ) author. OK, now I'm gonna count to three before running away from that ( censored ). 1, 2, 3, ::runs away:: ::comes back:: I forgot to say that it was the worst, the most stupid, pointless and ( censored ) stuff I have ever read in all Fanfiction history ! Now, now, this flame was a joke, I wash my hands of this.

Sabrina Myst

: "Where did you dream up this [censored] piece of [censored]?! You are 1 person who deserves to be turned into a pink floppy disk and grow purple polka dots of mold! I bet you don't even know what dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane means! Why don't you wash out your [censored] with 2 quarts of ammonia? This goes on my top 3 most hated fics list!"

[**JKT_00**][2]

This 'fic' is such a dichlorodiphenyltrichloroehtane piece of ~beep!~ This is even worse than that person's fic who was turned into a pink with purple polka-dotted floppy disk! This is so ~beep!~ ~beep!~.I can't belive that you would actually waste your time in your life with something like this! Do you even have a life? Yeah, I bet you do, a ~beep!~ life. You should just go wash you head out with acid, who knows? Maybe you'll have some more sense! I swear, you are such a stupid, ~beep!, and a ~beep!~ This is the second worst fic I've ever read out of the 123 worst!

[**Hermione19**][3]

"You (censored)! This story is (censored)! Are you on dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane or something? I mean, that was just a piece of (censored)! I'm going to wash out your fingers for having written such a (censored)ing (censored)! And then I'll transfigure you so you can't write anything this bad again! 1, 2, 3, *snap*! You're a pink with purple polka-dotted floppy disk. That was really a piece of (censored)!!!"

[**Firebolt7**][4]

you but piece of dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane draino s*it! How could that this is funny, I have half a mind to wash your mouth out with soap. *drags longlonghair to the bathroom, but as she crosses through the door way, she gets turned into a pink floppy disk with purple poka dots, I grab the disk, and steal all her ideas, and people flame me b/c her ideas are sooooo bad*

[**Melamorie Blymm**][5]

This is a retarded piece of only a jerk like you can write. 1) it's pathetic, and I gotta wash out my monitor, my eyes, my tongue, and TAKE A SHOWER WITH THE computer, I daresay! mY computer cannot bear to see this piece of junk again. 2) If anybody likes it then I am a pink with purple polka-dotted floppy disk! I mean, this story is the kind of freaken you only read on fanfiction.net! 3)dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane on you (whatever it means) and I send you my worst fears, my sister, twelve Howlers, one curse in a huge envelope! You should never try to write any again! This is crap!

Okay, so I wasn't strict about what was required, but I was laughing all the way through reading the reviews. So be happy that you people got your name in my "revered" fanfic.

And now, for another flame contest…

Requirements for LongLongHair's third flame competition:

All flamers will require

  1. A large appendage
  2. Something green and shiny
  3. A pickled cabbage
  4. Deoxyribonucleic acid
  5. A long, pointy sharp stick
  6. A bubble bath (preferably with bubbles)
  7. A reference to Monty Python

Flamers are also allowed a snake, an octopus or a goanna.

Parents please note: No expletives are allowed.

(end of requirements)

Oh, and by the way, dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane is what DDT stands for.

I also got the Chamber of Secrets in German!!!!::hears groans from fanfic readers around the world-"Not another Hermione!" and grins::

So go review/flame now, you deserve the opportunity after going through all that. J

   [1]: index.fic?action=Directory-AuthorProfile&UserID=31602
   [2]: index.fic?action=Directory-AuthorProfile&UserID=28524
   [3]: index.fic?action=Directory-AuthorProfile&UserID=19318
   [4]: index.fic?action=Directory-AuthorProfile&UserID=17905
   [5]: index.fic?action=Directory-AuthorProfile&UserID=34983



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